I’m screenshotting this as proof.

As someone who remembers the days before reddit silver, you have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you.

Boss: “Your emails seem a little terse lately. Is everything okay?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s just that IT put a limit on email sizes to protect bandwidth.”

Boss: “Yes, but it’s 25MB and 60,000 words.”

Me: “I know, right?! That leaves me with like 10 words.”

Oof. I might be going to Gre’Thor for that one.

Some may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.

I like it. I might use it for real.

It’s important to acknowledge your primary audience.

I am in awe at the horrors of your genius.

I like you. Also, never email me.

With the utmost respect, appreciation, and sincere best wishes for a truly incredible day,

[Your Full Name, Including Middle Name, Nickname, or Any Honorifics]
[Your Official Job Title, with Certifications, Degrees, and Accolades]
[Your Company Name, Including Any Official Slogan or Motto]

📧 Email: [your.email@example.com]
☎ Work Phone: [Your Work Phone Number]
📱 Mobile: [Your Mobile Number]
📠 Fax: [Your Fax Number (even if nobody uses fax anymore)]
🏢 Office Address: [Your Full Office Address, Including Building Name, Floor, and Suite Number]
🌐 Website: [Your Company or Personal Website URL]

Professional & Social Media Profiles:
🔹 LinkedIn: [Your LinkedIn Profile URL]
🔹 Twitter/X: [Your Twitter/X Handle]
🔹 Instagram: [Your Instagram Handle]
🔹 Facebook: [Your Facebook Profile or Business Page]
🔹 GitHub/Portfolio: [Your GitHub or Portfolio Website]
🔹 YouTube Channel: [Link to Your Channel, Even if It’s Just Cat Videos]
🔹 TikTok: [Because Why Not?]
🔹 Reddit: [If You Want People to Know You Lurk There]

About Me:
💼 Years of Experience: [Your Number of Years] in [Your Industry or Field]
🏆 Awards & Achievements: [List Any Noteworthy Accomplishments]
📜 Certifications & Credentials: [List Any Professional Certifications, Degrees, or Licenses]
📚 Favorite Quote: “[Insert Inspirational Quote That May or May Not Be Relevant to Your Work]”

Company Information & Mission Statement:
At [Your Company], we are committed to providing unparalleled excellence in [Your Industry], ensuring quality, innovation, and customer satisfaction. Our mission is to redefine industry standards by embracing cutting-edge technology, ethical business practices, and a relentless pursuit of success.

🌍 Company Values:
✔ Integrity | ✔ Innovation | ✔ Collaboration | ✔ Customer-Centric Excellence

🏆 Recent Company Achievements:

• Voted “Best in [Your Industry]” by [Some Organization]
• Ranked Top [Whatever] in [Some List or Award]
• Proudly Serving [Number] Clients Across [Number] Countries

Availability & Business Hours:
📅 Standard Business Hours:
Monday – Friday: 8:00 AM – 6:00 PM (Your Time Zone)
Saturday – Sunday: Available by Appointment or Chance

⌚ Response Time:
I generally respond within [X] hours, unless I am trapped in a meeting, fighting Wi-Fi demons, or taking a much-needed coffee break.

Fun Facts & Personal Tidbits:
☕ Coffee Intake Per Day: [Ridiculous Number of Cups]
🎸 Hobbies: [Playing Guitar, Skydiving, Collecting Weird Socks—Whatever Fits You]
🐶 Pets: [Your Pet’s Name & Type] (Yes, they probably appear in Zoom calls.)
🛸 Conspiracy Theory I Secretly Believe: [Aliens Exist? The Moon Landing Was Filmed in a Studio?]

Legal & Compliance Notices:
⚠ Confidentiality Notice:
This email and any attachments may contain privileged, confidential, or top-secret information. If you are not the intended recipient, please delete it immediately, notify the sender, and pretend you never saw it. Unauthorized review, use, disclosure, or distribution is strictly prohibited.

💸 No Liability Disclaimer:
Nothing in this email constitutes legally binding agreements, financial advice, medical advice, or life coaching. Read at your own risk.

📢 Opinions Expressed Disclaimer:
All views and opinions expressed in this email are mine alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer, my colleagues, or my pet goldfish, Gerald.

🖨 Printing Disclaimer:
Think before you print! Save trees. Save ink. Save the planet. Unless, of course, you are printing this as a work of art.

Motivational Section (Because Why Not?)
🚀 Daily Reminder: You are capable, brilliant, and unstoppable! Chase your dreams, break barriers, and make a positive impact.

🔥 Final Thought:
“In a world where you can be anything, be kind. But also be someone who gets their email signature noticed.”

Final Closing Statement (For Dramatic Effect):
If you made it this far, congratulations! You have officially read the longest, most excessive email signature in existence. Feel free to copy, share, and modify, but remember—with great signature power comes great responsibility.

Morley and you! The smarter combination.

Admittedly, yes, but for whatever it’s worth, a lot of countries are trying to downplay their historic involvement in Africa. I remember reading Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness.” What colonialists failed to achieve in Africa, they more than made up for in the Americas and in the worst ways possible.

Me, too. I’m happy for you. Thanks to your ancestors for kicking Brittish ass including but not limited to that of British General Cornwallis. Thanks for the Louisiana purchase. Thanks to them for the Statue of Liberty. Thank you and your peers for demanding rights for the working class and violently refusing anything less. I hope France continues to be a beacon for democracy and I hope America finds its way back.

Geez, no need to get hostile. You make it sound like the Brittish Colonies and the US wiped out 97% of a thriving population of millions in many diverse nations with various gruesome methods including but not limited to biological warfare, kicked the survivors off their land and tried to indoctrinate their descendants. Do you even hear yourself?

Oh they’ll do a heck of a lot more than that, buster! You better believe he’s getting a hand-written letter in angry red ink along with a petition with dozens of signatures! They’ll get it notarized and send it via certified mail. Believe you me, he will feel their bureaucratic wrath!

Congress is aware. That’s why they abdicated their responsibility to the Supreme Court.

You’re still functionally correct.

Yahtzee

“No.” said Trump, and the Judiciary and Legislative branches just shrugged, put their hands in their pockets and kicked at the dust as they walked away.

“Aww, shucks.” they remarked while collecting millions of dollars.

It really is. I guess the silver lining is that hundreds of years of smoking might at least influence our natural selection such that the average person is slightly more resistant to wildfire smoke and acetylcholine agonists/ acetylcholinesterase inhibitors. Perhaps we’ve been training for the environmental disasters and chemical warfare that climate change may bring.